Port Adelaide are, indeed, top of the heap. They are black and white Collingwood wannabes, but there is the added complication that they have been born and bred in Adelaide, worse, born and bred on and around Adelaide's wharves. They are like the triple chocolate cake of bogan. Its a no-contest, how could one ever be more feral than a triple bogan feral? Its all in the breeding.
Adelaide at number two? Tell them they are dreaming. True, Adelaide fans are South Australians, and anyone who chases and eats crows is unlikely to appreciate fine dining at Maxim's or drink dacquiris but, as we all know, Adelaide fans are really Norwood fans and Norwood fans are the lilywhites, the upper crust, the hoi polloi of South Australia, some kind of bizarre Royal ferals. Top ten material only.
Collingwood are the clear number two of the AFL. They are from the wrong side of the traps, delight in being toothless and downtrodden and dislike everyone. As I said, the clear number twos of the AFL.
Our old friends at Carlton are not even top 4 material. The fact is they aspire to be known as silvertails and have pretensions of being establishment. Their only claim to feral fame is that they are the club of choice for petty criminals, burglers, drug-pushers, dodgy businessman and society's flotsam and jetsam which is not enough really. They are aspirationally feral at best.
Geelong fans are an enigma, a dichotomy. They are an unholy alliance forged between moneyed Western District squatter families, their displaced city cousins forced to move when the family land was passed to the eldest son and the modern-day denizens of Sleepy Hollow. The last group are true feral bogans who are taken to the cleaners every ten years or so by some of the more unscrupulous Carlton supporters who run their financial institutions. Geelong fans are not homogenous enough to be taken seriously as ferals, not that there is anything wrong with that.
Freo fans are not feral at all, not in the least. Once upon a time in another world, maybe but how can one remain feral when every shopfront in the suburb is a frappacino parlour that serves any number of drinks consisting of coffee mixed with modified milk and soy products? Have you ever seen a feral order a skinny decaf soy latte with a swirl of froth?
Western Bulldogs? Footscray? The sons of the West? Seriously, seriously feral. Scarily feral. Dangerously feral. No money, no inclination to get a job, no prospects, no teeth. They have nothing other than several knocked-up teenage daughters who hang around them and they drink beer like it was mother's milk. They are cheer-squad members from cradle to grave. Classically feral, there are just not enough of them so we can sleep easy at night, thankfully. Easily top three, though.
St Kilda. The wannabe ferals. They are some sort of lower class, blonde-haired anglo-saxon sub-culture who can trace their roots back to the expensive beachside suburbs of Melbourne. Hey, I'm sure that even the poor people who live in Monte Carlo might be considered feral when compared to the De Grimaldi clan but they can't be taken seriously in this context. Neither can St Kilda fans, pure also-rans.
Ah, the old shinboners. Just because there are a couple of butcher shops in their Mecca suburb and, once upon a time, they may or may not have whacked each other on the head with some bones that they found lying around said shops, that is not enough to make them ferals. Besides, has anyone actually seen a North Melbourne supporter? One day they will change their nickname to the Yetis, the Bigfoots, the Sasquaches, the highly intelligent rev-heads, or something else that doesn't exist. Low level ferals at best, if you can find any.
Essendon. Essendon fans think that it is funny to pretend they are playing the trombone during the trumpet solo of their club song. They love Hirdy, Lloydy, Longy and Fletchery. They always leave early when they think that their team is going to lose so they can catch the early train. As if there is ever one of those in Melbourne! Just because you are unspeakably stupid, that doesn't make you a feral.
To suggest that any of West Coast, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne or Hawthorn are even remotely feral is to completely misunderstand football. This is a self-evident truth which requires no explanation.
Which brings me to my beloved Tigers and my Tiger Brothers and Sisters. We are like the slightly less feral bete noir to Collingwood fans. As we have seen recently, they start the fights and we finish them. By and large, we keep our teeth, we stay out of jail and our children use contraception. We're just like Collingwood, Footscray or Port Adelaide fans but we appreciate the important role that condoms play in our society.
