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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his *smile* hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mother." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.”
The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his *smile* hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mother." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.”
So, this guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads
Cheese sandwiches $1.50
Chicken sandwiches $2.50
Hand jobs $10.00
Behind the bar is a gorgeous woman bartender.
He looks in his wallet to see how much money he has then asks the bartender, “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”
She smiles coyly and says yes I am.
He says, “ we’ll go wash your hands, I want a chicken sandwich!”..
Cheese sandwiches $1.50
Chicken sandwiches $2.50
Hand jobs $10.00
Behind the bar is a gorgeous woman bartender.
He looks in his wallet to see how much money he has then asks the bartender, “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”
She smiles coyly and says yes I am.
He says, “ we’ll go wash your hands, I want a chicken sandwich!”..
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship.”
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!?
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship.”
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!?
OMG the priest said to Mary ,what’s up why you crying?
Oh father me dogs died ,
Sorry to hear that what can I say what can I do ?
Mary said Can I bury it in the grave yard ?
Sorry marry it’s sacred land by this time Mary was really crying , Tell you what Mary if you go down to the Church of England the priest there might let you .
Do you think so Father ?
He may do
Well if I give £500 do you think he will Father ?
B Jesus bring the dog back Mary you didn’t tell me the dog was a catholic
Oh father me dogs died ,
Sorry to hear that what can I say what can I do ?
Mary said Can I bury it in the grave yard ?
Sorry marry it’s sacred land by this time Mary was really crying , Tell you what Mary if you go down to the Church of England the priest there might let you .
Do you think so Father ?
He may do
Well if I give £500 do you think he will Father ?
B Jesus bring the dog back Mary you didn’t tell me the dog was a catholic
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh!t."
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh!t."
Gomer Pyle and Sergeant Carter visited " Rugs a Million " to pick out a new floor covering for the Sergeants quarters.....
" And what are you thinking sir " ???
" Well, i wouldn't mind a shag pile "
" Keep that thought in mind Sergeant , and we will talk about it back at the barracks once we have purchased your rug"
" And what are you thinking sir " ???
" Well, i wouldn't mind a shag pile "
" Keep that thought in mind Sergeant , and we will talk about it back at the barracks once we have purchased your rug"
A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt. The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
She gave him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt. The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
She gave him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Two old men, Bert and Stan, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about Football. Bert turns to Stan and asks, "Do you think there's Football in Heaven?"
Stan thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's Football in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bert passes on. Soon afterward, Stan sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Stan... Stan... ."
Stan responds, "Bert! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Stan," whispers Bert's ghost.
Stan, still amazed, asks, "So, is there Football in Heaven?"
"Well," says Bert, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Stan.
Bert says, "Well, there is Football in Heaven."
Stan says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Bert sighs and whispers, "You're in goal on Friday!!..
Stan thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's Football in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bert passes on. Soon afterward, Stan sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Stan... Stan... ."
Stan responds, "Bert! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Stan," whispers Bert's ghost.
Stan, still amazed, asks, "So, is there Football in Heaven?"
"Well," says Bert, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Stan.
Bert says, "Well, there is Football in Heaven."
Stan says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Bert sighs and whispers, "You're in goal on Friday!!..
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:
“I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
“Tiger Woods."
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
“Yeah."
“Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Then Johnny and his wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, Johnny gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?" Says the wife.
Johnny says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
Johnny puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
Johnny says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
Johnny slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
“I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
“Tiger Woods."
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
“Yeah."
“Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Then Johnny and his wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, Johnny gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?" Says the wife.
Johnny says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
Johnny puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
Johnny says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
Johnny slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
There's a man from Toorak & a man from West Heidelberg & they were in a pub drinking next to each other.
While they were drinking the West Heidelberg man says to the man from Toorak, what did you get your misses for Xmas?
The Tooraky says, I bought her a Ferrari & a Lamborghini.
The Westie says, why those 2 things.
The Tooraky says coz if she doesn't like the Ferrari then she's got the Lamborghini to drive around.
The Tooraky says to the Westie, what did you get your misses for Xmas?
The Westie says, I bought her a pair of moccasins & a vibrator.
The Tooraky says why those 2 things, the Westie says, well if she doesn't like the moccasins then she can go f..... herself
While they were drinking the West Heidelberg man says to the man from Toorak, what did you get your misses for Xmas?
The Tooraky says, I bought her a Ferrari & a Lamborghini.
The Westie says, why those 2 things.
The Tooraky says coz if she doesn't like the Ferrari then she's got the Lamborghini to drive around.
The Tooraky says to the Westie, what did you get your misses for Xmas?
The Westie says, I bought her a pair of moccasins & a vibrator.
The Tooraky says why those 2 things, the Westie says, well if she doesn't like the moccasins then she can go f..... herself
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
