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Secret Diary Of Aragorn Parts One and Two

Anduril

Anduril

You bow to no one!
Jul 29, 2004
6,305
0
Melbourne
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.

Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.

Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.

Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog. Not King today either.

Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day Twenty-Eight: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.

Day Thirty: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.

Day Thirty-Two: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda ….. Nope, not King.

Day Thirty-Three: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Not so sure about Gimli. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Day Thirty-Four: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? Still not King, goddammit.
 
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN, SON OF ARATHORN, PART TWO
Day One: Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two: Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I
painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three: Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin'.

Day Four: Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR patsy. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six: In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching swords for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven: Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly

Day Nine: Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewellery. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve: Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or “Damn, I was going to grow some stubble”. Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen: Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway? We are so stuffed. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later: Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree - it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his coiffure.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen: Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn,
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but just what I always wanted! See ya!
Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
 
I remember reading legolas' secret diary awhile ago so went and found it.

Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.

Day Two: I like to run

Day Three: I look good when I run!

Day Four: I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.

Day Seven: Is Gimli staring at my butt?

Day Eight: No wonder he's always lagging behind.

Day Nine: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.

Day Ten: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day Twelve: Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.


Day Thirteen: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

Day Sixteen: Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

Still prettiest.

Day Seventeen: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

Note to self - never date Gandalf.

Day Twenty: Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.

Not the prettiest! V. bitter.


Day Twenty One: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.

Day Twenty Seven: Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace.

Day Twenty Nine: Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

Day Thirty: Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.

Day Thirty One: Battle over... no one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!
 
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