Mad Monday Brings Another Sudden Retirement
By Blake Batchelor for spittle.com.au
Football forum identity Tony Braxton-Hicks has announced his resignation as convenor of the annual Mad Monday thread, effective immediately. “There’s only so much low-hanging fruit you can pick,” he said in a statement, “so I knew the gig was up when Daniel Jackson retired.”
However, internet sources speculated that Braxton-Hicks had been unable to crack the team’s inner circle this year and didn’t even know where the players were holding their post-season function.
“I don’t think anyone knows where they are,” Braxton-Hicks admitted. “No one’s seen the team since they took the road to elimination via Snowtown.”
Tigers coach Damien Hardwick said it was about time Braxton-Hicks dipped his nib in the ink well for the last time.
“He says he’s writing better than last year,” Hardwick said, “and then he types about pens and ink wells. That makes about as much sense as upgrading Matt Thomas ahead of Anthony Miles. Or choosing to kick into the wind.
“It was Ivvy who noticed that his standards have slipped this year, and since his name’s not Chris Newman it’s time for him to hang up his … quill … sh!t … keyboard.”
While Braxton-Hicks has been less productive since the departures of Terry Wallace, Greg Miller and Jarrad Oakley-Nicholls, he disputed that he’d run out of inspiration for Mad Monday.
“I could have juxtaposed Port Adelaide’s prison bar motif with our lax ball security,” he said, “but we all know it would only have got a laugh if the concept of ball security was directly related to a player’s testicles.
"I could also have likened Sean Grigg’s kicking to Adelaide’s pie floaters,” he said. “They both make you feel sick in the guts yet they keep getting served up each week."
“Or I could have written that the real reason Jacko had quit the club was because of some locker room graffiti that was rangaphobic.”
"I could have even said that Sean Hampson hadn’t made a tap to advantage since the night Megan Gale conceived."
With Richmond's season over, Braxton-Hicks said he would now be frequenting a fan forum discussing The Bachelor.
“When you think about it, there’s not much difference between the side that took on Port Adelaide and the bachelorettes," he said. "In both cases a national audience is watching them getting *smile*ed over.
“In fact, Laurina reminds me so much of Cleve Hughes that I don’t think Blake has any hope of getting her dirty and wet.
"And there's a reason why Amber, Anita, Ricky and Aaron only get asked on group dates."
Football diehards were disappointed that the Mad Monday thread had been hijacked by Braxton-Hicks’ self-serving rant.
“It’s disappointing to see an anonymous loner directing such an ill-advised attempt at self-glorification to other internet loners,” said a self-glorifying loner on PuntRoadEnd. “I’m heading back to the list management, sack the coach and game plan threads.”
“I haven’t seen anything this limp since Tigers of Old went dark after 49,999 posts," said football analyst Gabi Grecko.
“Dud. Delist,” said the Coalition of Naysayers. “Nine meaningless puns won’t win back our respect."
“Is he even an Australian of the Year?" asked moral campaigner Shane Warne.
The story is now trending on Twitter with the hashtags #dirtyGriggfloater and #testiclesecurity
By Blake Batchelor for spittle.com.au
Football forum identity Tony Braxton-Hicks has announced his resignation as convenor of the annual Mad Monday thread, effective immediately. “There’s only so much low-hanging fruit you can pick,” he said in a statement, “so I knew the gig was up when Daniel Jackson retired.”
However, internet sources speculated that Braxton-Hicks had been unable to crack the team’s inner circle this year and didn’t even know where the players were holding their post-season function.
“I don’t think anyone knows where they are,” Braxton-Hicks admitted. “No one’s seen the team since they took the road to elimination via Snowtown.”
Tigers coach Damien Hardwick said it was about time Braxton-Hicks dipped his nib in the ink well for the last time.
“He says he’s writing better than last year,” Hardwick said, “and then he types about pens and ink wells. That makes about as much sense as upgrading Matt Thomas ahead of Anthony Miles. Or choosing to kick into the wind.
“It was Ivvy who noticed that his standards have slipped this year, and since his name’s not Chris Newman it’s time for him to hang up his … quill … sh!t … keyboard.”
While Braxton-Hicks has been less productive since the departures of Terry Wallace, Greg Miller and Jarrad Oakley-Nicholls, he disputed that he’d run out of inspiration for Mad Monday.
“I could have juxtaposed Port Adelaide’s prison bar motif with our lax ball security,” he said, “but we all know it would only have got a laugh if the concept of ball security was directly related to a player’s testicles.
"I could also have likened Sean Grigg’s kicking to Adelaide’s pie floaters,” he said. “They both make you feel sick in the guts yet they keep getting served up each week."
“Or I could have written that the real reason Jacko had quit the club was because of some locker room graffiti that was rangaphobic.”
"I could have even said that Sean Hampson hadn’t made a tap to advantage since the night Megan Gale conceived."
With Richmond's season over, Braxton-Hicks said he would now be frequenting a fan forum discussing The Bachelor.
“When you think about it, there’s not much difference between the side that took on Port Adelaide and the bachelorettes," he said. "In both cases a national audience is watching them getting *smile*ed over.
“In fact, Laurina reminds me so much of Cleve Hughes that I don’t think Blake has any hope of getting her dirty and wet.
"And there's a reason why Amber, Anita, Ricky and Aaron only get asked on group dates."
Football diehards were disappointed that the Mad Monday thread had been hijacked by Braxton-Hicks’ self-serving rant.
“It’s disappointing to see an anonymous loner directing such an ill-advised attempt at self-glorification to other internet loners,” said a self-glorifying loner on PuntRoadEnd. “I’m heading back to the list management, sack the coach and game plan threads.”
“I haven’t seen anything this limp since Tigers of Old went dark after 49,999 posts," said football analyst Gabi Grecko.
“Dud. Delist,” said the Coalition of Naysayers. “Nine meaningless puns won’t win back our respect."
“Is he even an Australian of the Year?" asked moral campaigner Shane Warne.
The story is now trending on Twitter with the hashtags #dirtyGriggfloater and #testiclesecurity
