Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner
and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little *smile*, O'Conner," says
Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his
hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy.. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing
of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over
the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've
been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did
you know,"
says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a
few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh,thank
heavens," sighs
the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
>=====================================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when TimFinnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
at
least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee."
==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,
Mary my
dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last
night. " The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,Mary, did
he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father"
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
====================================================
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The
drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side
either."
been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner
and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little *smile*, O'Conner," says
Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his
hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy.. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing
of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over
the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've
been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did
you know,"
says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a
few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh,thank
heavens," sighs
the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
>=====================================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when TimFinnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
at
least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee."
==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,
Mary my
dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last
night. " The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,Mary, did
he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father"
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
====================================================
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The
drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side
either."
