Family court

[Tigerfan]

Has anyone ever found themselves separated and for some reason not getting contact with their under 18 child anymore?

if so what is the process?
Tips and hints greatly appreciated.
Thanks

 

[AngryAnt]

Get a lawyer. Unfortunately that's the first step to resolving this.

 

[Dev Tiger]

I would engage a lawyer. If at all possible its best for all parties to resolve it at mediation before it gets to court. That's a very expensive and draining experience. I would document all the efforts you make to contact your child. One of the factors the court will consider if it gets that far is the willingness of the other parent to encourage the children's relationship with yourself. If this isn't happening document all of the times it hasn't.

 

[tigerman]

Has anyone ever found themselves separated and for some reason not getting contact with their under 18 child anymore?

if so what is the process?
Tips and hints greatly appreciated.
Thanks

I feel for you Tigerfan, as antman said, get a lawyer.

This is just my opinion..............When you are able to make contact with your children, as much as you will feel like it, and will quite possibly be entitled to, never talk bad about her to them. They will love and respect you for it when they are old enough to work things out. They will be hurting too, and it will make things less painful for them.
All the best, and good luck.

 

[AngryAnt]

I feel for you Tigerfan, as antman said, get a lawyer.

This is just my opinion..............When you are to make contact with your children, as much as you will feel like it, and will quite possibly be entitled to, never talk bad about her to them. They will love and respect you for it when they are at old enough to work things out. They will be hurting too, and it will make things less painful for them.
All the best, and good luck.

Great advice!

 

[DavidSSS]

Yep, it's the lawyers who make the most out of this sort of thing, splitting assets can often end up handing the assets to the lawyers and having nothing to split by the end.

While Antman is correct to advise getting a lawyer, I would also advise trying to resolve this without lawyers (they are expensive and charge for every 6 minutes they claim to be doing something about your case). In fact, making it very very clear you are more than willing to get a lawyer (and already have one lined up) may lead to a settlement without lawyers, which will benefit you, your ex and your kids' financial situations. If you do manage to make an agreement without lawyers get it in writing and, I'm not sure how this works, but get it somehow registered with the Family Court.

Tigerman's advice is also very good. My parents split when I was young, and they never talked to one another again. They also did talk bad about each other. As a kid this was upsetting. As an adult I thought it was just pathetic and my parents lost a fair bit of respect as a result.

DS

 

[AngryAnt]

Yep, it's the lawyers who make the most out of this sort of thing, splitting assets can often end up handing the assets to the lawyers and having nothing to split by the end.

While Antman is correct to advise getting a lawyer, I would also advise trying to resolve this without lawyers (they are expensive and charge for every 6 minutes they claim to be doing something about your case). In fact, making it very very clear you are more than willing to get a lawyer (and already have one lined up) may lead to a settlement without lawyers, which will benefit you, your ex and your kids' financial situations. If you do manage to make an agreement without lawyers get it in writing and, I'm not sure how this works, but get it somehow registered with the Family Court.

Tigerman's advice is also very good. My parents split when I was young, and they never talked to one another again. They also did talk bad about each other. As a kid this was upsetting. As an adult I thought it was just pathetic and my parents lost a fair bit of respect as a result.

DS

have you been through a divorce or separation David? Yes, lawyers are expensive but good luck trying to do anything through the Family Court without one.

 

[DavidSSS]

have you been through a divorce or separation David? Yes, lawyers are expensive but good luck trying to do anything through the Family Court without one.

Not personally no but I've seen it often enough to know that, yes, a lawyer is essential if you get to court or the split is acrimonious, but you should do everything to avoid this because lawyers will fleece you until you own nothing, and then some.

Lawyers are the last resort, but too often the last resort appears very quickly in these situations. Not easy to sort.

DS

 

[AngryAnt]

Not personally no but I've seen it often enough to know that, yes, a lawyer is essential if you get to court or the split is acrimonious, but you should do everything to avoid this because lawyers will fleece you until you own nothing, and then some.

Lawyers are the last resort, but too often the last resort appears very quickly in these situations. Not easy to sort.

DS

Agree that a harmonious split is better, but if someone is denying access to a child then that's a hard one to resolve without lawyers unfortunately.

 

[DavidSSS]

Agree that a harmonious split is better, but if someone is denying access to a child then that's a hard one to resolve without lawyers unfortunately.

True, but you gotta try if you want to remain solvent.

DS

 

[Tigerfan]

My car is registered in her name.
she would never send me the b pay code to re-register so my solicitor fired her off an email

I bet I get it now

 

[AngryAnt]

True, but you gotta try if you want to remain solvent.

DS

yeah, I had a custody dispute with my ex. 4K to the lawyer was well worth it to solve the problem permanently.

 

[DavidSSS]

yeah, I had a custody dispute with my ex. 4K to the lawyer was well worth it to solve the problem permanently.

4K, you did very well.

Child access is the most fraught issue.

DS

 

[mrposhman]

yeah, I had a custody dispute with my ex. 4K to the lawyer was well worth it to solve the problem permanently.

Wow you did really well. I've just come through a separation myself and spent $22k.

A lot of good advice here. I also choose not to bad mouth the other side in front of the kids. There is no winner out of doing that. Kids are smart and will soon realise who is there for them and who is making it difficult for them. I know there have been secrets that the kids have been asked to keep from me, and I don't hit back with the same as my belief is they will figure out that I was always doing what was right for them and thats all that I care about.

Just on Antman / Davids point, you will need a lawyer even if its just to submit approved docs through the family court. You will also have to go through mediation, if you don't try mediation the court will likely order it anyway so its best to try and get the ball moving this way. If she doesn't show, then you can get a document from the mediators to show this which can be presented in court and won't show her side in a great light.

I was fortunate that there was no withholding of kids access from either side so what I went through isn't the same as you, however you will need a lawyer to sort this out as its likely you will need court orders unless your ex comes to the party and starts allowing access. Unfortunately without the court docs the police can do very little to help you to get access to your kids.

 

[K3]

have you been through a divorce or separation David? Yes, lawyers are expensive but good luck trying to do anything through the Family Court without one.

Been through this and got a lawyer.

After a bit of back-and-forth in writing, the lawyer called me into their fancy offices at the end of our discussion I asked him what he thought I should do, and this is what he said... "Do you know who wins from these types of drawn-out horrible situations? I do, and my family does. If you keep going along like this you will be helping us to have a nice holiday over in the ski fields of Canada next Winter"

I then fielded everything from her lawyer except for for the tricky stuff.

 

[tigertim]

yeah, I had a custody dispute with my ex. 4K to the lawyer was well worth it to solve the problem permanently.

So she’s sleeping with the fishes now?


Tigerfan I feel for you. It’s a horrible time. It was easily the worst 2 years (2008/09) of my life. I’m not sure I have any advice though in regards to your specific situations.

My ex wife engaged lawyers and barristers because she was told I was going to get 51% and her 49% and she said there was no way I was going to get more than her (even though these valuations are just estimates). After it was all said and done I owed her $5000 which I have to pay her when I retire. I am retired but no one has asked me for it yet...

 

[AngryAnt]

So she’s sleeping with the fishes now?

No, she married a Kiwi and lives in Sydney, so almost as good.

Tigerfan I feel for you. It’s a horrible time. It was easily the worst 2 years (2008/09) of my life. I’m not sure I have any advice though in regards to your specific situations.

My ex wife engaged lawyers and barristers because she was told I was going to get 51% and her 49% and she said there was no way I was going to get more than her (even though these valuations are just estimates). After it was all said and done I owed her $5000 which I have to pay her when I retire. I am retired but no one has asked me for it yet...

good work timbo. My divorce was simpler, it was when we were both still young so no assets to fight over really, custody was the only issue.

 

[RoarEmotion]

I’ve just been through separation and agreed on financial separation terms earlier in 2020. We have no fight over custody and we organised our parenting arrangement through mediation services.

From a financial separation perspective as I was significantly the high income earner my ex (despite cheating which doesn’t matter in Australia) got 59%, half the super and still gets child support too. It is what it is.

We probably wasted 30-40k between us on lawyers too which could have been used on the kids. That still makes me mad.

The lawyers don’t give a *smile* about the long term relationship that is still needed to be effective coparents. I would avoid getting them involved at all costs if you can find any way of doing it amicably yourselves or even mediators that aren’t lawyers. I’m not sure if it’s typical or not but the lawyer my wife used changed things at the very last minute (in mediation) that were already agreed prior multiple times
- maybe this is a negotiating tactic that works on one and done deals but it’s the slimiest thing I’ve ever been involved with and created a lot of ill will.

It’s just a *smile* space to be but if you take it all the way to trial you are looking at 100k+ to end up where you could be without any of that. This is the pressure that gets used to create a deal.

if you are fighting over access then do whatever you can not have to not have that go to court. The system can be abused by people who know how it works so hopefully your ex isn’t like that or it could get rough. I’ve spoken to a few blokes who’ve lost everything going down that route.

Best of luck. It’s a very emotional thing and you need clear heads on both sides to get an acceptable answer - no one comes out a winner in my opinion.

 

[RoarEmotion]

That's a sad story, @RoarEmotion. You have a remarkable clarity about it though which is a credit to you.

The more I see of these types of things the more broken the system seems. I wonder what percentage of marriages continue because of the financial ramifications and how many problems compound because of that.

Cheers BR. Luckily for us we both have kids best interests at heart and look out for each other as parents.

there is no doubt there is a massive financial impact even in an amicable separation. I’m sure plenty just endure not great relationships until kids are older.

 

[Tigerhealer]

yeah, I had a custody dispute with my ex. 4K to the lawyer was well worth it to solve the problem permanently.

wow thats pretty good, my lawyers bill was substantially more