Port Adelaide
Interview with club boot studder - Alfie Trebilcock
Q1 How is the club travelling at the moment?
Well, most of us drive either Holdens or Fords.
Q2 No no. What I’m asking is how has the Corona Virus affected the players?
They’re good. Pubs are shut but the bottle shops are still open.
Q3 Err, how has the social distancing rules affected players?
It hasn’t. People don’t normally come near us. I’m really not sure why.
Richmond
Interview with Neil Balme
Q1 How’s the club’s finances?
Well all clubs have had to pull in their belts. We’re no different. We’ve had to let some very good people go. Sadly, we had to sack this terrific young bloke. His dad runs a bakery.
Q2 What are some of the inconveniences that the club is working around?
I’ve had to get my own vanilla slices. Bloody nuisance. I buy 4 at a time but there’s only one in the bag when I get back to me office. Soon I’m hungry again.
Q3 How will the club be when all of this is over?
We’ll be right. Dimma’s been working on themes for stuff to give the players before big games like he did with the records and the rocks. He’s got tension wrenches, kitchen scales and butterfly nets stacked up in his office. Stuffed if I know what he’s thinking. Oh, and I’ve told the kid from the bakery that he’s the first one back!
St Kilda
Interview with Warnie
Q1 You recruited a lot of players in the off season, what’s the attraction of coming to St Kilda?
Destination Club! Nah seriously, it’s really about the social life.
Q2 Is St Kilda contending, treading water or rebuilding?
We’re very happy where we are at the moment. Wanna try some of this sh!t? It’s real good.
Q3 We’ve heard that some people want to change the club song. What do they want?
I dunno. I haven’t heard Up In Smoke or Earache My Eye. Are they any good?
Sydney
Interview with Coach - John Longmire
Q1 You tried to get Joe Daniher over the summer. Why?
It was a marketing decision. The research shows that Sydney people will come to games just to look at a 6ft 10in doofus. Even if he’s a dud.
Q2 In hindsight, was recruiting Buddy a good decision considering you haven’t won a premiership with him?
It was a marketing decision. The research shows that Sydney people will come to games just to look at big headed clown that can sometimes play football. We’re negotiating a 10 year contract extension with him before North Melbourne try for their Big Fish.
Q3 Is Sydney Contending, treading water or contending?
Marketing shows that there are value propositions in each, so we’ll probably do a bit of them all throughout the season.
Wet Coke
Interview with club mascot – Sick Bird
Q1 Wet Coke has had a bad reputation over drug abuse for years. Is this now cleaned up?
Willy.
Q2 What are the biggest challenges the club faces during these trying times?
Suppliers
Q3 Which player is most likely to have a breakout year?
Most of ‘em are capable but maybe not Kennedy. He’s a bit old for trying to squeeze out of a cell.
Western Bulldogs
Interview with coach Bevo
Q1 What happened with Lachie Hunter?
Got caught.
Q2 What lessons do you think he’s taking out of that incident?
Don’t get caught.
Q3 Are the Bulldogs contending, treading water or rebuilding?
I’ll say contending. I don’t know who’s going to turn up for training half the time, and when they do, half are pissed. But we’re in the window. Last week Lachie crashed into a shop window and then ran away. But it was ok. The car was pinched pretty quickly.
Damien Parrot
Q1 You picked against Richmond in every final last year. What gives?
What can I say? I’m an obnoxious pr!ck. and I wanted the clicks.
Q2 Where will Richmond finish this year?
First
Q3 Wow. That’s a big call for you.
This f***en Corona Virus injection is a bastard.
AFL
Q1 Why keep changing the rules?
What else will Shocking do if he’s not making sh!t up?
Q2 What work is Brad Scott doing at AFL House?
Fetches coffee but keeps f*@#ing up the orders. He BLOODY KNOWSs we only drink soy lattes!
Q3 What is the next lot of rule changes you’re looking at?
Shocking has got a list of beauties to roll out over the next few seasons.
Ten minute quarters and no time on. This is Sydney’s idea actually. Something from their marketing people about short attention spans.
Then there’s a handicapping system that works through the season. So for example, if Richmond win a few games in a row, they have to play a couple with a bush league players to give other teams a chance. And if they win those games we’ll invoke a rule where they don’t get to wear footy boots or something to stop them.
Oh, and I believe North Melbourne have some initiative about elephants.
Interview with club boot studder - Alfie Trebilcock
Q1 How is the club travelling at the moment?
Well, most of us drive either Holdens or Fords.
Q2 No no. What I’m asking is how has the Corona Virus affected the players?
They’re good. Pubs are shut but the bottle shops are still open.
Q3 Err, how has the social distancing rules affected players?
It hasn’t. People don’t normally come near us. I’m really not sure why.
Richmond
Interview with Neil Balme
Q1 How’s the club’s finances?
Well all clubs have had to pull in their belts. We’re no different. We’ve had to let some very good people go. Sadly, we had to sack this terrific young bloke. His dad runs a bakery.
Q2 What are some of the inconveniences that the club is working around?
I’ve had to get my own vanilla slices. Bloody nuisance. I buy 4 at a time but there’s only one in the bag when I get back to me office. Soon I’m hungry again.
Q3 How will the club be when all of this is over?
We’ll be right. Dimma’s been working on themes for stuff to give the players before big games like he did with the records and the rocks. He’s got tension wrenches, kitchen scales and butterfly nets stacked up in his office. Stuffed if I know what he’s thinking. Oh, and I’ve told the kid from the bakery that he’s the first one back!
St Kilda
Interview with Warnie
Q1 You recruited a lot of players in the off season, what’s the attraction of coming to St Kilda?
Destination Club! Nah seriously, it’s really about the social life.
Q2 Is St Kilda contending, treading water or rebuilding?
We’re very happy where we are at the moment. Wanna try some of this sh!t? It’s real good.
Q3 We’ve heard that some people want to change the club song. What do they want?
I dunno. I haven’t heard Up In Smoke or Earache My Eye. Are they any good?
Sydney
Interview with Coach - John Longmire
Q1 You tried to get Joe Daniher over the summer. Why?
It was a marketing decision. The research shows that Sydney people will come to games just to look at a 6ft 10in doofus. Even if he’s a dud.
Q2 In hindsight, was recruiting Buddy a good decision considering you haven’t won a premiership with him?
It was a marketing decision. The research shows that Sydney people will come to games just to look at big headed clown that can sometimes play football. We’re negotiating a 10 year contract extension with him before North Melbourne try for their Big Fish.
Q3 Is Sydney Contending, treading water or contending?
Marketing shows that there are value propositions in each, so we’ll probably do a bit of them all throughout the season.
Wet Coke
Interview with club mascot – Sick Bird
Q1 Wet Coke has had a bad reputation over drug abuse for years. Is this now cleaned up?
Willy.
Q2 What are the biggest challenges the club faces during these trying times?
Suppliers
Q3 Which player is most likely to have a breakout year?
Most of ‘em are capable but maybe not Kennedy. He’s a bit old for trying to squeeze out of a cell.
Western Bulldogs
Interview with coach Bevo
Q1 What happened with Lachie Hunter?
Got caught.
Q2 What lessons do you think he’s taking out of that incident?
Don’t get caught.
Q3 Are the Bulldogs contending, treading water or rebuilding?
I’ll say contending. I don’t know who’s going to turn up for training half the time, and when they do, half are pissed. But we’re in the window. Last week Lachie crashed into a shop window and then ran away. But it was ok. The car was pinched pretty quickly.
Damien Parrot
Q1 You picked against Richmond in every final last year. What gives?
What can I say? I’m an obnoxious pr!ck. and I wanted the clicks.
Q2 Where will Richmond finish this year?
First
Q3 Wow. That’s a big call for you.
This f***en Corona Virus injection is a bastard.
AFL
Q1 Why keep changing the rules?
What else will Shocking do if he’s not making sh!t up?
Q2 What work is Brad Scott doing at AFL House?
Fetches coffee but keeps f*@#ing up the orders. He BLOODY KNOWSs we only drink soy lattes!
Q3 What is the next lot of rule changes you’re looking at?
Shocking has got a list of beauties to roll out over the next few seasons.
Ten minute quarters and no time on. This is Sydney’s idea actually. Something from their marketing people about short attention spans.
Then there’s a handicapping system that works through the season. So for example, if Richmond win a few games in a row, they have to play a couple with a bush league players to give other teams a chance. And if they win those games we’ll invoke a rule where they don’t get to wear footy boots or something to stop them.
Oh, and I believe North Melbourne have some initiative about elephants.
